The CBA: Negotiation Timeline So Far
Someone tried to get a rumor going on Twitter tonight that the NHL and NHLPA have worked out a new CBA. Nope. Not close.
It might seem like nothing has actually happened during the CBA debate between the owners and players, but in truth, the situation has been a cavalcade of fun so far. Allow me to recap for you what has taken place up to this point during CBA negotiations.
June 23, 2012 - NHL declares the league has had its most profitable season in history, earning over $3.3 billion in revenue. Under the current CBA, it is announced the ceiling for the salary cap is expected to rise to over $70mil for 2012/2013.
June 24, 2012 - During a news conference, Gary Bettman announces that all 30 teams in the NHL lost money, and league will shrink by 12 teams next season. He blames the huge losses on the recession, the size of player contracts, and value of Canadian dollar. After sobbing into the microphone for 37 minutes, Bettman declares a new CBA is imperative to the survival of the league, and that the players are greedy, greedy people.
July 5, 2012 - Representatives from the league's Board of Governors and from the NHLPA meet officially for the first time to discuss the creation of a new CBA.
July 6, 2012 - The NHL and NHLPA decide after 8 hours of negotiation to order Chinese and not Indian food. Sadly, ordering of food is put on hold when NHL and NHLPA cannot negotiate how to share take-out costs. The league insists the PA should cover 56% of all costs, plus the tip. Donald Fehr, Executive Director of the NHLPA, describes league demands as "unfathomable". 30 minutes later, Fehr and a number of player reps are seen eating Big Mac's from a dumpster from behind their hotel.
July 10, 2012 - Bettman and Fehr break-off talks after 12 hour marathon session where both individuals only said, "no, you did it," repeatedly.
July 15, 2012 - The NHLPA pays the mafia to place severed horse head in Gary Bettman's bed, as an intimidation tactic. They discover days later that the plan backfired when Bettman is overheard boasting to friends how he spent the night with Sarah Jessica Parker.
July 22, 2012 - At a news conference, several large players stand around PA Executive Director Donald Fehr for pictures in an attempt to look menacing.
July 31, 2012 - Gary Bettman presents the entire "first offer" from the NHL and team owners. The key element in the deal is the suggestion by the league that players place 100% of their salary in escrow from now on for "safe keeping".
August 1, 2012 - 764 die and thousands of others are injured from uncontrollable laughter after Gary Bettman suggests during an interview that fans somehow matter.
August 10, 2012 - The first sign of dissention between members of the NHLPA becomes obvious after Fehr demand players leave their yacht clubs and private golf courses long enough to attend a PA meeting. "This is total BS!" declared Shawn Horcoff, who was dressed in pastel clothing from Banana Republic, and was holding a tennis racket.
August 13 to 16, 2012 - The NHLPA presents their first official counter proposal to the NHL. The one-page hand written document given to Gary Bettman appears to look like a drawing featuring a single human appendage being held up.
August 18, 2012 - The NHL announces that Kevin James has been cast to play Bill Daly in the biopic film "Lockout 2012", which is scheduled for release in the Summer of 2014. It is believed Danny Devito is being considered for the role of Bettman, and Chaz Bono will play Donald Fehr.
August 20, 2012 - @HockeyyInsiderr reports that Gary Bettman will be fired by the NHL immediately after the new CBA is negotiated. We know this is a true "rumor" because he writes "#CONFIRMED" at the end of it. Approximately 27,000 mindless sheep who know how to use Twitter believe him.
August 27, 2012 - The NHLPA presents to the NHL a plan that calls for a $450mil rollback in salary for fantasy league players.
August 29, 2012 - Several economically-ravished NHL teams rush to sign all of their 20 - 22 year old players to long-term, multi-million dollar contracts. "This action absolutely shows support to what the league is trying to do," exclaims Steve Tambellini, GM of the Edmonton Oilers. "Our giving Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle a combined $72mil over the next six seasons shows the NHLPA that we're flexible and anxious to have a new CBA that is fair for both sides!"
September 1, 2012 - Damien Cox declares that Damien Cox is officially the best sports writer covering the NHL lockout. His announcement of the award draws rave reviews from the rest of Twitter. "Damien Cox is my hero," states Craig Button.
September 7, 2012 - The NHLPA announces legal challenges in Alberta and Quebec that will prevent teams from locking out players. In response, the NHL announces that the new three-team superleague will not have a Stanley Cup Final because the Habs, Oilers and Flames all suck too much to make the playoffs.