Despite dominating every aspect of tonight’s hockey game against the Montreal Canadiens, besides skating, hitting, scoring chances, special teams, goaltending, goals for, goals against, face-offs, amount of Gatorade drunk, blinking and breathing, the Boston Bruins were unable to rally from a deficit caused by an NHL record 189 consecutive unlucky bounces.

While some of the bounces were because of poor ice conditions, the vast majority could be blamed squarely on Mark Streit and team mascot “Youpi” who have been attending twice weekly voodoo classes. Before the game, Youpi and Streit were spotted furtively handing out lucky rabbit feet to all Habs players and coaches. They were also seen placing cement around the hands of miniature doll versions of Patrice Bergeron, Marc Savard, and Glen Murray.

I caught up with Glen Murray after the game: “Well, before the game began, Mike Komisarek came up to me and said ‘the Bruins will lose, stamped it, no erasies’, so I responded ‘no the Habs will lose, double stamped it, black magic’ but he got me when he came out with ‘the Habs will win, triple stamped it, white magic, lock the golden key.’ I told him you can’t double stamp then triple stamp but he just raised his hand to my face and skated away. So yeah, that’s probably when the momentum first shifted their way.”

Coach Julien had a slightly different take on the matter: “You can’t expect us to win when Jupiter is retrograde. I mean we’re the best but, come on…retrograde…calis.” Immediately after saying this, Julien promised an elixir that would negate the effects which held his team in check.

Manny Fernandez was back to his usual self. By that I mean he is again dealing with his recurring narcolepsy which renders him unconscious for several minutes at a time. During times of inactivity, face-offs for example, his narcoleptic state can go unnoticed, much to the shagrin of Bob Essensa, the Bruins goaltending coach. “I think you’ll find that when the goalie is conscious and his nervous system is working at the speed of at least a normal human being, his save percentage usually goes up. I haven’t given up hope on Manny and, if need be, I am prepared to attach a horn to his helmet that would go off every time he begins nodding in drowsiness.”

One odd side-effect of the curse used by the evil, malicious, and sneaky Habs was a reversal of luck of Dennis Wideman. While everyone else was robbed of their powers, Dennis Wideman seemed to actually gain powers. I call this the Superman II effect in honour of the tactic used by the man of steel to relieve the evil General Zod of his powers in the final moments of that film. But I digress; Dennis Wideman seemed to be the only bizarro player on the Bruins.

The next victims of the Big Bad Bruins will be the Chicago Blackhawks, who I firmly believe the Bruins will trounce barring bad ice, voodoo, unfavourable retrogrades, narcolepsy, the Superman II effect, and the presence of an annoying ex-baseball mascot named Youpi. I also believe the elixir will be ready by this Thursday. Beware, Hawks fans, for the wrath of the black and gold machine will be upon you next.

-Gerz

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