With the NHL trade deadline looming, both experienced and new hockey fans are going to wonder, “what should I expect at the deadline this year?” Sure, there’s all the deadlines of years past (and the faded or distorted memories that are attached to them), but that doesn’t tell us anything about this year’s deadline. What’s going to happen? Not to worry, I’ve prepared a rough outline of what’s going to happen so that you can go ahead and proceed with the day’s work and not be bothered by the ongoing distractions of whatever trades may take place.

Disclaimers:
1. Trades are hypothetical only, and do not reflect anything I know will happen or think should happen.
2. Times are Central time and are rough estimates, and can be moved around as needed.
3. This is written to somewhat follow TSN (because I’m more familiar with its coverage) – but again, this can be adapted as needed.
4. This guide is also applicable no matter what team you’re a fan of – but it can be quickly tailored to suit what will happen around your team. If you feel like I picked on your team specifically, … well, change it to whatever team(s) you want to make yourself feel better.
5. Finally, I’ve obviously skipped a little on the timeline – but that gives you a chance to fill in with your own (equally obvious?) commentary. Besides, if I gave everything away it would take out all of the suspense - and I already hear this year's deadline ... may not be that exciting.

***

So ... what's going to happen tomorrow? It's going to go something like this:

7:00am – TSN’s coverage of Deadline Day starts. Introductions start of the 26 people who will cover the trade deadline for TSN. At this point, the scheduled list does not include Jim Palmer, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and Betty White – but the last one has a decent chance of showing up yet.
7:01am – Somewhere on an internet message board, someone will post the phrase, “this is the worst trade deadline ever” – which the same person has probably posted about the last 12 trade deadlines to take place. (It’s 50/50 that this was posted as early as 2am.)
7:02am – All of the networks covering the trade deadline show how they’ve got reporters stationed around all of the rinks and team offices for each of the 7 Canadian franchises. Most of the reporters will try to look enthused about being there, without giving away that “seriously, what the hell am I doing here at 7am? I could have been sleeping, everyone knows nothing is going to happen for another 3 hours” thought that is going through their mind.
7:07am – TSN will mention some guy “live blogging” Deadline Day from home. You won’t care who it is, and neither will anyone else at TSN – because it will be the only time they mention this on the air (which will tell you that a blank screen may be more exciting than that live blog).
7:08am – You will hear the words, “… and we’re patiently awaiting the day’s first trade” somewhere.
7:09am – The first recap of all of the trades from the prior week is made.
7:11am – Somewhere on an internet message board, someone will post “my God this is boring, someone do something already!” (Because, you know, trades in every past year have always clicked off about every 30 seconds.”
7:18am – You’re reminded that no trades have taken place yet, “… but when one happens, we’ll be sure to let you know.”
7:19am – The second recap of all of the trades from the prior week is made.
7:20am – A fan of some team starts a thread with “See, I told you we weren’t going to do anything? All talk, no walk – we need a competent GM and an owner willing to spend money, time to …” The rest of the post will devolve into gibberish and nonsense.
7:31:00am – “… and still no trades to report, but this isn’t uncommon, so don’t panic yet.”
7:31:05am – Someone on the internet panics because no trades have been made yet.
7:36am – Someone on the internet complains about the lack of trades and starts citing reasons why and potential solutions. Most will make no sense at all, be allowable right now anyway, or be items that won’t happen for good reasons … but 197 people will join in with “yeah, they should do all that!”

8:00am – “… and welcome to the 2nd hour of our wall-to-wall coverage of the Trade Deadline. Still nothing to report so far, but we expect the activity to pick up as the day goes on – and remember, trades can take place up until 3pm Eastern and trades may not be announced until after the deadline.”
8:01am – On one of the media sets, one of the analysts gives the camera a look of “please, someone, help us out here.”
8:05am – The second look at reporters stationed all around Canada. On at least 2 feeds, you’ll see someone walk behind looking at the camera with that “wow, even I can’t believe they’re standing here” look on their face.
8:08am – Another call of “worst trade deadline evar!” from the Internet. Possibly even a call for not allowing any trades in the week or two leading up to the deadline, just so the day of the deadline is less boring. Feel free to mock such ideas openly and loudly.
8:18am – Someone will post something like the following on Twitter: We have a trade! Yes, Bob McKenzie has traded a couple of mints and the rights to a future Butterfinger to Gord Miller for an unglazed donut hole. Yes, news about trades between guys on the set (while trying to mask that nothing is going on right now) – it never gets old.
8:22am – Still nothing going on, so now the networks talk about past trade deadlines and how things evolved during the day.
8:36am – Another look at the day’s happenings? Yep, the scoreboard still shows 0 trades, 0 players involved, and 0 draft picks.
8:44am – “The Leafs are scheduled to take the ice for practice in about 45 minutes, …” Leafs fans explode on message boards asking about guys who haven’t shown up yet in Vancouver, where practice isn’t scheduled to start for another 2 hours, and start putting together trade proposals accordingly.
8:50am – Somewhere, some analyst starts in with “I remember one time, …” signaling that as much prep work went into filling air time while nothing was going on, they’re already low on material. James Duthie tweets, "being on set right now makes sitting in a nursing home look appealing."
8:51am – The first, “that’s it, I’m done with the NHL – the deadline sucks, this whole thing sucks, it’s all Bettman’s fault” meltdown takes place somewhere on the Internet. Don't worry, they'll be back in about 10 hours - possibly with yet another, "I'm done with the NHL" rant that would bring the year-to-date total up to about 35.
8:56am – Almost ready to go rehash the material from the first 2 hours yet again, but wait - there’s finally a real trade! It’s going to be some minor deal – say, Ben Eager to the Capitals for a conditional 6th – but we finally have a trade to talk about!
8:57am – Again, somewhere on the internet: “What the … 2 hours of nothing, and finally this? What a load of crap! I can’t believe I sit here every year and wait for something exciting to happen, and know that this is what I’m going to get!” Don’t worry, they’ll be back next year to do the same thing.
8:58:00am – Using the Eager trade as an example: Oilers fans complain “that’s all we got? A conditional 6th? I’d rather have lost him for nothing!”
8:58:01am – Again, using the Eager trade as an example: Capitals fans start in with “What, Eager for a conditional 6th? I can’t believe we overpaid!”

9:09am – Yes, they’re still talking about the Eager trade … because the alternative is talking about that time in Ottawa back in ’98 – and no one wants to mention ’98 if they want to keep their job.
9:12am – The Canadiens, Senators, and Leafs start to get ready for practice – so the reporters stationed there talk about guys coming on to the ice. Sadly, no one throws in a line like “… and let me tell you, when McClement came off the bench and on to the ice, he was flying like he was on a mission – you can tell he really wants to be on this Leafs team right now!”
9:14am – Someone on a message board says, “you know, I didn’t see Brandon Prust out there for the Habs.” Speculation explodes on the Internet that he’s being dealt to Los Angeles for “at least a 4th-round pick.”
9:17am – Prust is confirmed to actually be in the locker room and getting ready for practice. Speculation then shifts to “… well, of course he's not out there yet - Bergevin is trying to get a trade done before he goes out to practice and possibly gets hurt.”
9:24am – Eager is located by someone, and interviewed about being traded to Washington. “I’m excited to be part of the Capitals, I really enjoyed my time in Edmonton, fans are great,” … add to the canned cliché list here – they’ll all get rolled out.
9:39am – Another trade is made. You’ll be able to tell, because simultaneously 16 people being shown on TV will reach for their phones. The synchronized phone-answering judges score it as a 7.5, citing Miller's look at everyone else before reaching for his own phone being worthy of a full point deduction.
9:51am – “We’re trying to get in touch with _______”, the guy who was traded 12 minutes ago. Just take the speech Eager gave on being traded, have someone voice-over the guy you’re trying to get a hold of, tweak words to fit the teams/cities involved, and you’ve pretty much got the same thing you’ll hear.

10:08am – “I’ve been told that _____ has been asked to waive his NTC.”
10:09am – Someone on the Internet rants about how if a player has a NTC and waives it, he should lose it permanently – because, you know, if the team didn’t ask him to waive it he’d just up and do it on his own anyway.
10:10am – Someone else says that no player should have a NTC, period.
10:11am – Someone else: “I wish ____ would waive his NTC so we could get rid of him, the lazy worthless overpaid bum.”
10:32am – Someone else on the Internet melts down with a, “THERE’S ONLY 3½ HOURS LEFT – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO SOMETHING TO HELP US!” rant.
10:33am – That guy at 10:32am? His team just made a trade.
10:34am – Same guy: “WHAT, 3½ HOURS LEFT AND THIS IS ALL YOU CAN DO? WHAT A JOKE, I’M DONE WITH THIS TEAM!”
10:48am – Breaking news in Winnipeg: Ron Hainsey was called off the ice by the head coach. 1,618 posts speculating about where he’s being traded get fired off.
10:50am – Hainsey returns to the ice. Apparently he was just getting some cones for a practice drill. More comments about “this is a sign he’s close to being traded,” and a few “I’d rather have the cones than Hainsey” posts get fired off.

11:00am – 3 hours to the deadline. Analysts start talking about what they’re going to have for lunch, while waiting for a trade. You're reminded that you have to actually pay for your lunch.
11:27am – Another trade made. That’s now 4 on the day. All of the analysts talk about how it was a good trade for both sides; no one dares say, “really – Ehrhoff, Gerbe and a 3rd for a 2nd and a conditional 6th? Regier is a moron, he needed to go before Ruff.”
11:28am – Someone on the Internet: “Really? I thought that was really good value for those guys.”
11:29am - Someone complains on the Internet: “worst trade deadline evar!”
11:52am – Remember that guy who was going to live blog the trade deadline for TSN? No, they still haven’t mentioned him – and at this point, even he’s not interested in doing it.

12:07pm – Someone gets a GM on the phone; phrases said include “we’re talking to teams, still trying to find a good fit” and “we’re not done, we’d still like to upgrade” and “if we don’t do anything else, I’m fine with it – I have confidence in the group we’ve assembled.”
12:09pm – That GM? One of his team’s fans rips off a post outlining all the flaws in the current team, who he should be trading for, and ends with it “GIT ‘ER DONE!”
12:41pm - Now up to 6 trades involving 7 guys and 9 draft picks. That's OK, though - someone points out how this is better than the pace in some prior year, and that year there ended up being 33 trades involving 47 players and 82 draft picks - so that means we should see more action this year!
12:42am - Someone complains on the Internet: “worst trade deadline evar!”

1:00pm – Final hour to the deadline. News of trades being worked on filter out.
1:26pm – Trades start rolling in every few minutes.
1:32pm - Someone on the Internet complains, “geez – when are things going to finally pick up?”
1:55pm - Someone on the Internet melts down with a, “THERE’S ONLY 5 MINUTES LEFT- SEE, I TOLD YOU WE WEREN’T GOING TO DO ANYTHING!” post.
1:56pm – That guy? His team just made a trade – and it was a relatively noteworthy one.

2:00:00pm – Every network broadcasts a siren going off, and the words, “the trade deadline is past, put down your pencils and pens” are spoken. (Defy authority, and keep holding yours for several more minutes!)
2:00:01pm – On many team message boards: “WHAT, THAT’S IT? I CAN’T BELIEVE WE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING – WHAT A JOKE OF A FRANCHISE, I’M DONE WITH THIS TEAM!”
2:00:05pm – Some Leafs fan: “What a great deadline this has been – we’re a lock to win the Cup now!”
2:00:06pm – Same thing as above, but from a Canucks fan.
2:00:08pm – Same thing as above, but from a Jets fan.
2:00:10pm – Same thing as above, but from an Oilers fan.
2:00:12pm – Same thing as above, but from a Flyers fan.
2:00:15pm – Same thing as above, but from a Flames fan.
2:02pm – Somewhere on the Internet: “So, does anyone know of any trades that didn’t get done before the deadline?” Because 2 minutes after the deadline is at least 119 seconds more than necessary to get all of the information about what did and didn’t happen leading up to the deadline.
2:08pm – A semi-blockbuster trade is announced. Colorado trades Jan Hejda to Boston; some B’s fan says “this is the missing piece we needed, the Cup is ours.”
2:09pm - Somewhere on the Internet: "Wait, I thought the deadline was at 2pm - how can there be trades still going on?" Mention that there's a special loophole for certain teams; see how many people buy it and how they react when they do.
2:15pm – With no news posted on a trade involving Chicago, a Blackhawks fan fires off the following: “great, we have a team that started hot, can’t win after that streak, has holes that even Helen Keller could see, everyone else is out getting better – and what does Stan Bowman do? We get Michal Handzus. Woo-freaking-hoo. We’re going out in the 1st round again. Thanks for nothing, Stan!”
2:17pm – Oddly enough, some Penguins fan also complains about the Pens doing nothing to improve at the deadline. The Iginla, Murray, and Morrow trades? Oh, those don’t count because they happened before the deadline – and Shero did nothing at the deadline while everyone else improved.
2:19pm – The same thing is said on a Blues message board, where someone complains about not trading one of the core guys or getting a goalie.
2:20pm - The same thing is said on a Panthers message board.
2:24pm – That guy back at 2:00:01pm? His team made a trade, too.
2:36pm – A Leafs fan somewhere proposes asking Mats Sundin to come out of retirement to come help with the playoff push.
2:37pm – A Red Wings fan somewhere proposes asking Nicklas Lidstrom to come out of retirement to come help with the playoff push.
2:38pm – A Rangers fan somewhere proposes asking Mark Messier to come out of retirement to come help with the playoff push.
2:39pm - An Oilers fan somewhere proposes asking Glenn Anderson to come out of retirement – and letting the rest of the team have Anderson take all of the shots on net for the team until he finally gets to 500 goals.
2:40pm – Peter Forsberg senses the comment about bringing Anderson coming out of retirement and starts thinking, “yeah – I know I can’t play because of that foot … but why not give it another shot just to see?”
2:45pm – The post-deadline analysis starts, and winners and losers are decided. Strangely, Buffalo finally moves to the “losers” category with that Ehrhoff/Gerbe trade – but Regier is praised as doing “the best he could in a tough market.”

3:13pm – Someone on a team message board: “Hey, I heard we were working on a major deal at the deadline – if they got it done, it will be announced soon.”
3:15pm – The official, “We’ve been told that all trades are complete, and there are no more trades to be announced” comment is made – signaling the official end of the trade deadline.
3:16pm – Someone on a team message board: “See, I told you – we weren’t going to do anything. This franchise sucks, I’m done supporting them!”
3:17pm – Someone complains on the Internet: “worst trade deadline evar!”

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