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When I started my second hockey career and became an official, I learned that an important part of the job is to keep in mind the emotional aspect of the game. An official must be able to assess situations and work to defuse volatile emotions. He should not create sparks.
That takes work to master, especially when you are an emotional person yourself. I know from first-hand experience. It takes years to develop officiating psychology and use it to manage difficult and emotional situations.
Very early in my officiating career, I still had a player's mentality in certain ways when players or coaches would get antagonistic. It did not change the actual calls I made, but psychologically I didn't do myself any favors by verbally fighting fire with fire. For example, I once retorted to a complaining coach in junior hockey that even if his team got the man advantage on all the ticky tack calls he was campaigning to get, his team wouldn't score anyway because they had a lousy power play.
That was a mistake: Exactly the type of thing an official should never say.
Over time, I came to understand from a refereeing standpoint not only the way that players handle (or mishandle) the emotions that arise during the game but also the ways that certain coaches attempt to direct their players' emotions.
One method of coaching is it to create an "us versus them" mentality that goes something like this: The refs are out to get us. The media gives us no respect. But I believe in you.
Longtime head coach Jacques Demers was someone who understood the role of emotion as well as anyone I've ever seen. He used it to get three pounds out of a two-pound dog. Jacques himself has been an overachiever in life, and many of his teams overachieved, too. The 1992-93 Montreal Canadiens team was probably would not have won the Stanley Cup that season with anyone else behind the bench.
Jacques had to overcome a host of difficulties in his life. He grew up poor, in a household where he was physically and mentally abused. He never learned how to read and write -- something that caused him great shame and for which he went to great lengths to (successfully) hide until much later in life. Bravely going public and admitting his illiteracy was a tremendously admirable thing to do.
Demers never had a loving, supportive family as a child. When he got involved in hockey, he made his team into his surrogate family. That was a huge part of the secret of his success.
For obvious reasons, Jacques was never a coach who was strong in the Xs-and-Os of the sport. But he cared about his players and they cared about him. He would publicly defend them to the hilt, whether for right or for wrong.
As a result, many players would do anything for him. When someone on an opposing team had taken a run at one of his players in a previous game, a simple "someone needs to get that guy" pre-game statement in the locker room from Jacques was usually sufficient to ensure that there would be payback.
Jacques was my coach both in the WHA with Cincinnati and in the NHL with Quebec. I didn't get to play nearly as much as I craved, but I genuinely liked and respected Demers. He is a good man and was a good coach.
True story: When Jacques informed me that I'd be in the lineup in Boston the night before I made my NHL debut with Quebec, I was so psyched that I could not sleep a wink. I knocked on the door of Jacques' hotel room, walked in and was speechless in trying to express my gratitude. All I could think to do was plant a kiss on his face!
To this very day, I am grateful to Jacques Demers.
One of the ways that Jacques channeled his teams' emotions -- sometimes in counter-productive ways -- was to make a "common enemy" of the officials. I respected that he backed up his players in public, but Demers-coached teams tended to do more than their share of whining and complaining about calls that didn't go their way.
After I made it back to the NHL as a referee, I officiated many games involving Jacques' Detroit, Montreal and Tampa Bay teams. Those were not always enjoyable games.
When Demers was with Detroit, problems stemmed from issues I had with Steve Yzerman. It started with him mistreating some of my linesman teammates and went downhill from there. Thereafter, I became a convenient target (as did other officials, I might add) when Demers' team lost a tough game.
In January of 1990, Demers and his Red Wings saw fit to complain to the media about me after a 6-4 loss in Minnesota.
Jacques told the media, "That Stewart, boy. I've had my problems with that referee since he started in this league. This time it's just too much."
Demers complained that "we knew we'd get the first three penalties against us" simply because I was the one refereeing the game.
Later, he added, "I know Paul Stewart. He used to play for me in the WHA. The thing is, he's one of the nicest people you'll ever run into. He's a nice guy. But when he puts on the white and black stripes, he just has trouble with this team."
It was all a crock. I was well aware of what Demers was trying to do, and he also knew that I knew. I didn't like it but I had so much respect for Jacques having been in the locker room and the bench with him as my coach -- and seeing firsthand how he knew how to get his players to WANT to skate through a wall for him -- that I also knew his comments were geared toward getting his team to adopt a bunker mentality. It really wasn't about me at all, so I didn't take it personally.
Jacques knew how to build up his players. He would randomly praise me for subtle improvements in my skating or the efficiency of my routes to the puck on the forecheck -- things he knew I was putting in extra work on in practice. Then there was the night in LA where Jacques suprised me on my birthday.
As a birthday present (likely more of a gift for my buddy and roommate Jamie Hislop), he told me I was NOT allowed to room with Jamie as had been our usual practice. Instead, Jacques booked me -- a player who barely got any ice time and whose primary role was to supply muscle and police the game -- the presidential suite at the hotel next to the Forum, overlooking the race track. He also had a huge fruit basket and a bottle of champagne sent to my room.
The attached note Jacques dictated to the hotel read "Happy Birthday from your coach and teammates. Merci for the good job last night.... Jacques."
Those are the kinds of experiences you never forget. I'd have done anything for Jacques, and I learned a hell of a lot from him about how good coaches motivate both individually and collectively. So when I was later an official and Jacques planted his very calculated comments about me to the media, I didn't have to like it so much as I needed to understand why it was done.
The point I'm getting at here is this: It is not always possible for an official to avoid getting caught up in emotional situations with players or coaches. But it is helpful to realize what is really at the root of the situation.
Coaches and players are under immense pressure to win, and coaches will use any tool at their disposal to motivate their players. Recognizing that enables you to handle conflict and move forward after the fact.
I had my share of verbal exchanges with coaches throughout my 1,010-game NHL career. But I am proud of the fact that I only issued four bench minors in my entire NHL refereeing career. They all have a job to do, and that job is to win.
The methods may differ, and there can be collateral damage of (usually temporarily) strained relationships. However, the goal is the same.
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Paul Stewart holds the distinction of being the first U.S.-born citizen to make it to the NHL as both a player and referee. On March 15, 2003, he became the first American-born referee to officiate in 1,000 NHL games.
The longtime referee heads Officiating by Stewart, a consulting, training and evaluation service for officials. Stewart also maintains a busy schedule as a public speaker, fund raiser and master-of-ceremonies for a host of private, corporate and public events. As a non-hockey venture, he is the owner of Lest We Forget.