Follow @james_tanner123 Imagine if the Draft Lottery was won by Edmonton.
Imagine if Gary Bettman somehow became even more smug.
Imagine if the Stanley Cup was somehow won by both the Kings and the Blackhawks, simultaneously.
Imagine if your team used UFA day to sign Zbynek Michalek, and Antoine Vermette.
Imagine the rookie season of the best player to enter the NHL since #66 was cut short by a dumb injury.
Take all that, mix it together add in a pack of powdered milk and a team-wide case of the mumps, and you basically have yesterday's trade deadline - the worst, most boring version of the so-called event in the history of the league ("history" in this case being de facto wording for "as far as Jim can recall.)
Yes, like Dexter becoming a F____ lumberjack (?) or the final season of Lost turning out to have been a dream had by Sam from Cheers, yesterday's trade deadline was the absolute worst.
Very Nish-Nish.
Definitely not Ak Ya.
Then, to cap it off, the Coyotes lost 6-0 to the Penguins.
Drouin was not traded in the worst asset management I have ever seen. The Leafs for some reason decided to keep Paranteau, Boyes and the plethora of UFAs they have rather than give them away cheaply at 2:59. The Oilers made a movie for..............Patrik Maroon?
Patrick Maroon?
Basically, the NHL Trade Deadline was all hype and little substance. It was a bunch of middle-aged white guys talking for hours about nothing. It was a full scale sausage-ghost party. It was like if you had a Halloween party and everyone came dressed as Casper and told dad-jokes while spending 90% of the time staring at their cellphones.
If you edited the footage down to 90 minutes, you'd have a pretty good shot at a best-documentary Oscar.
Not only where the trades themselves lacking in fun, but the broadcasting was actually painful to witness. The only way it could have been saved was if I had to do a shot everytime Glen Healy said something Bizarre, Jeff O'Neil was obnoxious or Stephen Brunt made me wish I was a golf fan.
In the end, the Coyotes effort against the Penguins had more substance and was less annoying. With GMs showing no fan service, with the networks phoning it it and with zero interesting trades, it was basically the NHL equivalent of an inoffensive folk-rock song with banjos.
But then again, not even your Mom would have liked this.
Thanks for reading.