Like a forlorn fighter rising from his stool for the ninth in a 15-round massacre, the Edmonton Oilers are weary and waning 52 games into the 2013-14 NHL season. Down on points and bleeding badly, it’s a sorry sight. Even their 15-31-6 record reads like that of a stumblebum palooka, beaten down and brain damaged, but forced to fight on due to court-ordered payments for alimony, palimony, or both. Meanwhile, the only momentum they’ve generated recently is acrimony, as frustrated onlookers plead for someone to throw in the towel and put us all out of our misery.
But 30 games remain in this depressing debacle, testing the patience and endurance of everyone associated with the hockey team. For some Oilers, the final 30 games have become practice for next season, when the team is guaranteed to spend at least one day on even footing with the league’s 29 other teams. For others, the closing stretch offers an audition for roles with next year’s club. However, snagging a spot on the Oilers doesn’t exactly correlate to a spot in a blockbuster movie or Broadway play. It’s more akin to a supporting role on a TV Land original sitcom, and the Ilya Bryzgalov-Michael Richards comparison basically writes itself.
Thirty games from the offseason, I figure it’s as good a time as any to drag out the old crystal ball, dust it off, and attempt to envision what awaits the Oilers between now and the final bell. We’ll tackle three main areas: Recompense, record, and roster. And just to spice things up a little, I’m also including what I would like to see happen. Of course, I’ve spent more than 20 years wishing for Oiler-related scenarios that haven’t come to pass, but at least this will expand the possibilities (and the discussion) as the Oilers stagger toward the conclusion of this miserable season.
Recompense
What I’d like to see happen: The Oilers are virtually guaranteed a top-three pick in the 2014 NHL Entry Draft, but as a fan I would really like to see them deal the pick away before the trade deadline. That’s not because I don’t like the players projected at the top of the draft board. In fact, I like them a lot. But I would like to spend one season-ending stretch rooting for the team to win each of its games, rather than being stuck in that weird quagmire where a loss is a loss, but a loss is also a win because it increases the chances of winning the NHL draft lottery.
What will happen: Edmonton is holding onto its first round pick, and that makes sense for two reasons. First, it’s going to result in another blue-chip prospect that is very likely help the team down the road. After Yakupov was a massive bust (kidding, relax) the Oilers are due for another top-of-the-draft home run. Second, Craig MacTavish is a rookie general manager, and his fear of being fleeced while dealing a draft pick that could turn out to be a generational talent will prevent him from trading the Oilers’ first-round selection for anything less than the sun, moon and/or the stars.
Record
What I’d like to see happen: In a perfect world I would be aiming big here, with the Oilers winning a handful of games before the Olympic break, then using the additional practice time to catapult out of the hiatus like a rocket to the stars. However, since the team isn’t going to deal it’s first-round draft choice, I would like to see them put together a record of 9-18-3 over the last 30 games. That type of mark would motivate the team for next season, while ensuring that the Calgary Flames or Buffalo Sabres don’t sink below Edmonton in the standings. Yes, being an Oiler fan blows.
What will happen: A heavy slate of games against Western Conference powerhouses during the last three weeks of the season doesn’t look to hold many victories. Edmonton faces a few creampuffs like the Sabres, Flames and Predators during the final 30, but you could make an argument that each of those teams are superior to the Oilers, so it’s difficult to pencil in many wins there either. Strike up the band, release the doves, and break out the bubbly. For once I get exactly what I want, as the team skates to a record of 9-18-3. Yes, being an Oiler fan really blows.
Roster
What I’d like to see happen: Still scratching your head over how I would deal the Oilers’ first-round pick? How about strapping Sam Gagner to it and sending them both on the next flight to Toronto in exchange for Carl Gunnarson, Nazem Kadri and the Leafs’ first-round pick? I promise that will be the first and last wacky trade proposal of the blog. In addition, the Oilers (finally) trade Ales Hemsky for a third-round pick, and sit tight with each of their current prospects. Also, Ryan Smyth stays in Edmonton, where he endures another offseason on retirement speculation but ultimately decides to sign on for one more Stanley Cup run. Hey, it’s my fantasy.
What will happen: After being one of the busiest teams at the trade table, the Oilers clam up as the trade deadline approaches. MacTavish decides that Hemsky and his expiring contract are too valuable to part with, gives Gagner the benefit of the doubt for a season in which nearly every Oiler has regressed, and doesn’t feel a sixth-round pick gives the team enough return for Smyth. Feeling the heat to do something, anything, as the clock ticks toward the deadline, he trades Philip Larsen to the Devils for Peter Harrold. The New Jersey fanbase shrugs in unison. The Edmonton fanbase immediately blames Kevin Lowe and burns him in effigy in the United Cycle parking lot on Gateway Blvd.
I wish my prognostication wasn’t so grim, but I’m an Oiler fan. I’ve sat ringside for several years now, like a pugilist’s tormented spouse, hoping for the best but anticipating the worst. Strap in, hold tight, and watch through clenched fingers and squinting eyes if you have to. The ninth round is about to begin.
ryan.garner@hockeybuzz.com