The dawn of an NHL season is upon us once again.
We have crossed the chasm of the offseason and shall now wet our beaks upon the heavenly dew that is a bunch of millionaires trying to shoot a puck into a net for reasons known only to our elders.
You can tell someone is an elder because they'll say things like "anyone who has played the game knows that Roman Polak is a god amongst men" and the like.
They may also provide impassioned defenses of Dons like Cherry and Sweeney, or make references about your mom's basement that are as dated as they are quaint.
One thing they won't do is give you a list of immaculate predictions handed down from the mount on a stone tablet directly from Jesus.
That is my job.
So here's yer c'est une predictions dans la season du LNH.
1. The Edmonton Oilers make the Playoffs.
Having two of the best players in the world will help. If the coach pairs them up more than half the time, they'll make it easily.
2. The Leafs win the President's Trophy, Atlantic Division and Stanley Cup
They have the best roster assembled in the salary cap era. Let the good times role play.
3. The St. Louis Blues Win the West
They will not fall back to earth, because they never left earth. They are a hockey team, not a rocket ship. They will be one of the league's best teams though, and they should do very well.
They're banking on too much to go right. If it does, it will be an exciting team to watch, but they don't have the high-end scoring to compete.
5. William Nylander Wins Scoring Title
As Auston Matthews becomes the best goal scorer in the NHL, his right-hand-man will be there to get assists on almost every single goal. Nylander will be on the first PP unit within the month, and the Leafs won't look back.
6. New York Islanders Finish Last
Man I wish I could have left in the pure gold I had originally used to diss the Islanders here, but suffice to say, even if I drastically underestimated the value of their blue line in last week's hotstove, they still won't be any good.
Josh Ho Sang on waivers? Too bad he's got first line talent, cause if he was a checker who was about to hit 30 Lou would'a locked him up for eight years. 7. Seattle Wins their Division
The league's newest expansion team is not yet ready to take the ice, but I'm just curious if anyone will just see the bolded text and then come tell me what an idiot I am.
8. Gary Bettman Steps Down
Turns out ever since Kevin Spacey got cancelled, Bettman has gotten more movie offers than he can handle, so he'll be quitting commissionering in order to focus on acting.
9. The New Breaking Bad Movie Will....
reveal that Badger was the mastermind the whole time.
10. Quick Hits
Panthers miss playoffs. Bruins are a wildcard team. Senators don't finish last in their division. Canadiens miss playoffs. Jets miss playoffs. Ducks ride hot goalie to surprise everyone and just miss playoffs.
Final Four: Leafs, Hurricanes, Oilers and Blues
Final: Leafs over Oilers