Over the weekend I attended the RIT Hockey Analytics Conference which took place in my hometown of Rochester, NY. Yesterday I wrote a full recap of the presentations that were given which you can find here.
What I have yet to talk about is one of the more enjoyable hockey conversations that I have had in quite a while. After the conference was over and the RITHAC Cup was completed most people made their way over to a nearby establishment to enjoy some refreshments and have a good time.
That is when Sam Ventura posed an innocent question to myself and Nick Mercadante while we were waiting for our food.
"Who would play Michael Jordan in hockey's version of Space Jam"
After smiling about the question it did not take me long to come to my answer, the only answer. Of course Michael Jordan's character would be played by none other than Mario Lemieux. To defeat an alien sub race that has intentions of taking over the world you need to have the guy that can do just about anything in the sport that is being contested. Nobody defines that better than Mario Lemieux.
Whether it is dragging people on him for the length of the ice to score a shorthanded goal
Expertly sneaking by defenders and goaltenders
Abusing all-time greats
And who better to come out of retirement than somebody who has so much expertise at doing just that?
So now that we've clearly established the star for hockey's version of Space Jam that still leaves a little bit of work to be done.
Sam also asked which modern players were going to play The Monstars. This part took a lot longer to figure out and involved a lot more people (Ryan Stimson, Matt Cane, Micah Blake McCurdy, Alison Lukan, Ian Flemming, Conor Tompkins, Dawson Sprigings, Carolyne Wilke, Matt Pfeffer + others). I can't say we ever came to definitive answers for each role or perhaps I just don't recall them...
The rules for coming up with The Monstars are simple. They need to be active players. We also decided we would try to match the current players up the best we could to the original Monstar team of Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Sean Bradley, Larry Johnson, and Muggsy Bogues.
After hearing different arguments for different players I am presenting the following as my list of players to represent The Monstars
Charles Barkley: Alexander Ovechkin
Both players were among the best in their sport. Both players are big framed. Both players are incredibly physical and use it to their advantage. Both players are like a runaway freight train when they get their speed going. Both players have struggled to earn that elusive team championship. Both players seemed to be in the shadow of only one other player. Last but not least both players are incredibly charismatic. Nobody is quite like Barkley in that regard and trying to find his equal is probably an impossible task. It is especially tough to find his equal on that front when comparing him to a player from hockey. You know the sport where having a personality is frowned upon and borderline illegal. Although Ovie did try to set his stick on fire. Everything else fits perfectly. Just like Sir Charles Alexander the Great is the best player on the team.
Patrick Ewing: Joe Thornton
It isn't easy being the face of the franchise of a team that is always on the cusp of winning it all but can't ever put all the pieces together. That is what both Patrick Ewing and Joe Thornton have endured throughout their careers. They also share the distinction of being #1 overall draft picks in their respective sports. What they lack on the team front professionally they made up for at the Olympics. Thornton and Ewing each earned a Gold Medal when they were surrounded by other talent as good as they were. A great blend of size and skill for both players who used those attributes to the best of their ability each time they hit the playing surface.
Muggsy Bogues: Johnny Gaudreau
What it must be like to be told you are too small to compete in your sports top league... That is the situation each of these players found themselves in. Despite all of the size shaming Gaudreau and Bogues make/made their living being more quicker, agile, and skilled than their bigger counterparts.
Both of these guys have no fear slashing towards the middle in order to take care of business
Sean Bradley: Tyler Myers
In one of the strangest casting decisions of all time I had to try and find hockey's equivalent to Sean Bradley. This one isn't as obvious as most people think. The first super giant that mostly everybody thought of was Zdeno Chara. Sure, he is gigantic and he certainly has that Monstar look to him. However, I couldn't do that to him. Zdeno Chara is a Stanley Cup winning captain who has backed up that achievement with winning the most prestigious trophy somebody at his position can win with the Norris Trophy. The fact is that Chara is just too good for this role. When researching gifs for this section the only thing I found was Sean Bradley being posterized left and right. As my search continued it led me to Tyler Myers. Not the worst player, but one that hasn't quite put all the pieces together and susceptible to the league's best players having their way with him. Much like in the original this is the weak link of the Monstars.
Larry Johnson: Dustin Byfuglien
This was not easy (read that as impossible). As far as I can tell there is no current hockey player that aligns with the skill set and career track of Larry Johnson. It was tough to match up with the #1 overall draft pick pedigree that Larry Johnson had while also finding a match for the drop off in his career and team success after being traded. There were multiple players I thought about. Ilya Kovalchuk for the high end talent/draft spot and then dropping off after being traded (KHL), but I needed a second defenseman. I also considered Mike Richards who had some incredibly impressive point production years while also being strong defensively. Much like Larry Johnson they both saw a decline start around 27 years old and bottomed out at around age 30. Again, I needed a defenseman.
I thought about Erik Johnson who also shares the distinction of being a former #1 overall pick and then traded to another team. However, I don't feel as though Erik Johnson has ever been close to as good at hockey as Larry Johnson was at basketball.
That left me with Dustin Byfuglien. He doesn't fit the career path of being a former #1 overall pick and he has yet to show any signs of decline, but what he does share with Larry Johnson is the ability of a big man being highly skilled and physical. For as overbearing these two guys were using their frames against the opposition they also possess the ball/puck skills necessary to be a high level player. A bonus here is that you can definitely see Byfuglien as a Monstar. Like I said, this is the one I struggled with the most.
So there are The Monstars. They are going to try and take over the world. Can they be beat? Can Mario Lemieux pull off a victory for Planet Earth? Of course he can!
There will be ups and downs. Can any of the Looney Tunes skate? Have they ever picked up a hockey stick? Probably not. However, much like in the basketball version each Tune will eventually play to their strengths. Just think of the rocket skates that Mr. Wile E. Coyote can purchase from Acme.
The secret to this victory is going to rely on an intermission tactic borrowed from Michael Jordan. Super Mario is going to have to trick the Looney Tunes into believing in their abilities. Unlike Jordan's "secret stuff" that is just a regular water bottle labeled as having super powers Mario will have a special pot and ladle of poutine. The team will enjoy "Mario's special stuff" over french fries. Morale will explode and the team will mount an incredible comeback.
At the end of the game after the Looney Tunes pull even Bugs will take a huge hit to make a play which will spring Mario for a breakaway. He will be hauled down and the official will call for a penalty shot.
With Planet Earth on the line Lemieux will have to score against an otherworldly talent in goal to save our existence.
The stage is set. The referee blows the whistle. Time to save us all.
The same as it ever was. Mario Lemieux saves the day. The Monstars are defeated and all is right in the world.
Thanks for reading!
Pittsburgh Penguins Blogger • 
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