A group of left-wing, Ivory Tower dwelling granola crunchers want to take the violence out of the NHL. Bunch of sissy girls. Take violence out? We need to bring more in. It's good for the game.

Consider, if you will, the amount of web hits generated by the Zdeno Chara hit on Max Pacioretty. You aren't going to get that number of page views, especially from non-hockey fans, watching Pacioretty score goals. Billy the Kid had a saying to people before he'd off them: "I'll make you famous." That's just what Chara did for Pacioretty. He made him famous.

Now I hear Air Canada is threatening to pull their support for the NHL unless the game is cleaned up and the league starts protecting their players. Where is Air Canada's headquarters located, anyway? Toranta? You wouldn't get this type of lame threat if Air Canada was from a tough city like New York, where people are just as likely to punch you in the teeth for saying hello to them in the morning as they are willing to say hello back. Who bought Molson? Coors, right? You don't hear them whining about the game being too rough, do you?

Instead of turtling, the NHL needs to take a stand against the tree-hugging pansies that are trying to ruin our bloodsport of choice. They already have in a way by not suspending Chara. By the way, the fact he is a Norris-worthy defenseman, playing in an American city, on a team looking like a serious Stanley Cup contender has absolutely nothing to do with why he wasn't suspended. The league would have reacted exactly the same if Steve MacIntyre, Chris Pronger or Sean Avery threw a hit like that.

Anyway, here are a few suggestions I have come up with on how the NHL can capitalize on this moment, and improve the game:

1. Place obstacles on the ice: We're not talking a handful of dimes. No, we need big meaty chunks of iron and concrete located throughout the ice surface, placed in random locations throughout each game. It would be much easier for players to push each other head-first into a 12' metal beam if it was located at center ice. It would bring a whole new meaning to the word, "face-off."

2. Award goals for knocking players out of a game: This could not only apply to killing you opponent, but it also could be entertaining if players were allowed to injure their own teammates. Have you ever seen a bench clearing brawl with only one team involved? How many youtube hits would that be good for?

3. Give the most dangerous players wrestling-style nicknames: Would you rather be watching Zdeno Chara, Chris Pronger and Trevor Gillies, or "Buzzsaw", "Widowmaker" and "The Crippler"?

4. Give the most easily injured players wimpy nicknames: This would help players like Buzzsaw and The Crippler identify which players are the easiest kills. Instead of Ales Hemsky, we could have "Lama". Instead of Marian Gaborik, we could have "Bandaid". Instead of Marc Savard, we could have "Splatter." Hey, in nature, it's survival of the fittest, and the predators know the value of picking off the weakest in the flock first.

5. Place target signs on the jerseys of star players: Where this idea comes from is somewhat related to the above point. Wimpy nicknames for fragile players helps identify some necessary targets for abuse, but the other obvious targets have to be the stars of the game. Like Sidney Crosby, for example. If anyone should be wearing a big KICK ME sign, it's Sid the Kid. Sid the Kid? How about Sid the Skid? Making sure those players are unable to play will really help league marketing by ensuring one team doesn't have an advantage over another in terms of talent. I can't wait until someone runs over that Drew Doughty. Hate that guy.

There is no problem here folks. Violence in the NHL is here for our own good, and for the good of the sport. If there was a problem, the first people to speak up would be league Governors. You know, the representatives from each of the 30 teams, who in a very direct sense control the future direction of the league. Have you ever noticed that the Governors and team Presidents almost all were hockey players? People who played in the time of the Broadstreet Bullies? You know, back when the players were all 5' 9", 160 pounds, were chain smokers, and would go out drinking together after the game. It was a form of mutual respect and love to break a knuckle on the head of your opponent in the third period, followed by buying him a beer in a Greek restaurant 90 minutes later.

Back in the 70's and 80's, the players all understood the value violence brings to the game. They helped develop what's referred to as the Hockey Culture...It's more than just a league-wide acceptance of violence as part of the game, but it is a league-wide belief that violence and fighting play a meaningful role because they allow players to "settle scores themselves." And, oh yeah, players who don't subscribe to this code are considered too soft, and usually, too European for the North American game.

And if there was a problem and if the league wasn't addressing it, you'd think the NHLPA would be all over the media talking about the need to protect their members. What percentage of league revenues do the players make? 54%? Obviously they have an interest in the health of their players, because players, especially the stars, are money. But I haven't heard much if anything from the PA about violence being an issue, so relax. Everything is fine. Why would they ask their members to collectively solve a problem that doesn’t exist?

A bunch of people from Montreal are really angry about this whole situation, and I've got to tell you, they have no idea what they're talking about. The Canadiens? Yeesh; talk about your fly-by-night NHL franchise. Who cares what they think? In the words of Sylvester the Cat from Bugs Bunny cartoons, "you'll eat your porridge and like it." The opinion of fans in Montreal will continue to be meaningless until that team finally wins a cup or two.

Relax: In two weeks, and by the time Pacioretty can drink again water using a straw without needing help, everyone is going to forget about this because a different violent distraction will be there to enjoy. Punish Chara? We should be thanking him.

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