Team Canada is about to meet up with its neighbours* to the South in an Olympic Semi-Final. Knowing full well that a solid 40% of the US couldn’t find Canada on a map of the World and even fewer know what a toque is, I figured that I would share some snippets of information about Canada that seem to be most relevant in the build-up to Friday’s game. For us here it’s just a given, but this is really a service to our friends across the border.

1) Canada is the greatest Hockey nation in the world bar none. You could have walked into any public venue** and someone could have told you the score in the game. We are a nation of Hockey Junkies and right now everybody is jonesing for a fix. Not only that, but Canada can play the game better than everyone else. 14 of the top 25 point producers in the NHL are Canadian and Hockey Canada elected to not even bother taking 4 of them and it would have been 5 but Steven Stamkos decided to break his ankle so we had to pick one.

2) Canada is, above all other things, fair. You think it would be fair to unleash hell on the other teams in this tournament by playing the reigning Norris Trophy winner AND Keith, Doughty, Pietrangelo, and Weber? No. That’s why Canada is sitting PK Subban like he’s some AHL call-up whose only hope at seeing the ice is if Hamhuis has a sudden onset of explosive diarrhea 1 hour before puck drop. We won’t run up the score on tiny countries like Norway or Latvia*** just because we could. I think we have a little more couth than that.

3) Canada cares about you. When Shea Weber shoots the puck ambulances get put on notice. Those wacky Latvians, bless their Fire Jumping hearts, have been the only people in this tournament to actively try to block his shot instead of standing Flamingo legged praying it misses their twiggy appendages. One Latvian blocked Weber’s shot with his leg and wept openly on the bench afterwards. After the game Weber was just hopeful no one got hurt. That’s the kind of compassion I’m talkin’ about. It’s OK Shea, I think Latvia has socialized medicine. He’ll be fine.

4) Canada is Giving. Whatever success the US has in Hockey is basically a gift from Canada. You’re welcome. Let’s face facts, United States, we gave you pretty much every good example of a Hockey Player we ever had so you could emulate it long enough until you kind of became OK yourselves. Good job. We sent you Howe, Orr, Gretzky, and Lemieux. Heck, we loan you out pretty much all of our best players and ask almost nothing in return. For us it’s about doing what’s right. Those with provide for those without, and you guys didn’t even know you loved Socialism!

5) Canada is humble. Just like this post.


* Note the correct spelling of the word
** Tim Hortons, Rona, Eatons, Wherever
*** Austria can suck it though

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