As is well known, I am the Prediction King. The Prognosticator of Puck. The NHL Nostradamus. The Chris Angel of Mind Freaking the NHL Standings. You know what I'm talking about.
I used to just meet my girl, Miss Cleo, behind my local Dominoes, and she'd tell me all I needed to know about what was going to happen.
But sadly, Miss Cleo is no longer with us.
How I long to hear the words "Ooooooooooooh Child," followed by a prediction that is accurate A.F 100% of the time.
This year, I tried to go it alone, and it was bad. We're talking Dave Poulin on TV bad. Bad bad.
Last September, I sat down, sans psychic, and I proved to the world that I've never watched a game of hockey, had never even skated. Oh man, it was bad.
Luckily I've recently buoyed my spirits by watching the move Network, which is the greatest film ever produced, but I digress.
Because I have no shame, let us review the dilapidated moonshine shack of my soul, also known as Jimmy's 2018 NHL predictions.
In my defense, I did provide one of the best prefaces this side or Wordsworth:
Predictions tend to be nothing more than guesses, and unless you've found someone who is delving into statistical probabilities, they are most likely a waste of your time.
That said, I was unable to contact Miss Cleo from beyond the grave this year, so I don't know if these will be as accurate at usual. Try not to bet too much money on them, but if you do, give me a cut.
Here goes (takes deep breath)
1. Carolina Hurricanes win the East.
Expletive Deleted Scott Darling!!
2. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Atlantic Division and Stanley Cup
Well, sources from beyond the grave say I've gone 1/2 here, so that's not so bad. But seriously have you guys seen Network? We're talking a Soprano's level masterpiece here.
3. Oscar Klefbom wins Norris
Now I know why people with no credibility refuse to resign, cause I'm sticking around despite saying this outloud, in public, to people.
4. Calgary Flames win the West
Now, as a Leafs fan who has seen Ol' Burkie work his magic first hand, I have to say when the Islanders draft Rasmus Dahlin with your lottery winnings, it's Karma for having Dougie Hamilton.
Prediction wise, this isn't terrible. Who could have forseen that 198 year old goalie Mike Smith would be hurt for a significant portion of the season. What's that? You didn't even need Miss Cleo to know that? Oh well.
5. Rinne Replaced by Christmas
This is one of my only accurate predictions. Ever see that movie Faceoff? Well at Christmas time, or thereabouts, Rinne and Dominik Hasek had the procedure done. Hasek is now secretly patrolling the Predators' net, somehow unaffected by the sands of time, and is doing a bang up job.
John Woo does it again!
6. Blackhawks Missing Playoffs
Well even a drunk clock is gonna barf on your khakis once a week, Or something. I forget what the saying is exactly.
7. The Kings and Coyotes are Back
Yeah, and the Foo Fighters are coming to an arena near you!
Tanner's Playoff Predictions:
East:
Atlantic: 1. Toronto 2. Buffalo 3. Lightning
Metro: 1. Hurricanes 2. Blue Jackest 3. Penguins
Of course these can't technically be wrong just yet, but I'm going to go ahead and make the only good prediction in this entire blog: All of these are wrong.
In conclusion, I'd just like to give this advice: If you don't get your predictions from a certified member of the Psychic Alliance, don't even bother.
Washington Capitals Blogger • 
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