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A Personal Journey With Mental Illness

January 28, 2015, 10:50 AM ET [9 Comments]
Peter Tessier
Winnipeg Jets Blogger •Winnipeg Jets Writer • RSSArchiveCONTACT
The Bell 'Lets Talk' initiative has opened up a huge hole in the sky on the issue of mental illness, one that is so misunderstood yet so prevalent. Addiction issues, look towards mental illness. Behavioral issues, look towards mental illness. Physical illness, look towards metal illness. In fact what we as a general society are seeing is that our health really starts with a M I N D to B O D Y connection.

The day allows for many platforms to discuss mental illness and inevitably sports, celebrities, friends, and family members come through with a new revelation of how they suffer, survive or simply cope with the issue that is mental illness. This past year I had my first true experience with the nuances, challenges, and damage that comes with metal illness. This is a personal story, fair warning in advance, but it's not my story as I'm only a witness and participant, some one trying to SUPPORT.


No one plans to be ill, whether it be the flu, heart disease, cancer, or mental illness but in my experience they all arrive the same way with the person affected realizing they do not feeling well. In my experience this ascent was quite rapid and came with hospitalization from 'out of nowhere'.

It's quite difficult to walk into a hospital and be admitted for mental illness. In fact there are many measurements that have to be met to be admitted as space and resources are few and far between. The news came as a shock and after speaking to the person involved it was clear something was not right but that's where it ended, or began.

The first thing to consider is aside from immediate concerns for extended people close to me, one does not look forward they look backwards. My process began like this: look back, what happened, what went wrong, what precipitated this? People are too driven to look for events and facts to determine cause. As I've written before... 'who' does not always lead to 'how' but knowing 'how' will always take you to 'who'. It's the problem solving mantra that I try and live by as an effort to avoid blaming.

The easiest and not coincidentally automatic thought process was to find the 'event' and figure that out and move on from there. Remember I'm not the person suffering, I'm a close and concerned person to the one who is ill.

It's not that simple

What has followed the last 7-8 months has been a very eye-opening experience to the world that people who suffer mental illness endure. They are sick, but sometimes do not realize they are but neither do those who are close to them. We forget about the affliction when moods and behaviour appear 'normal' and slip into old patterns of interpersonal engagement. It's the natural way to be supportive by trying to make things 'normal'. What that really does is make things normal for you, the one who is mentally healthy. It's your protection and it must be horrible for some one who is sick to see that forced effort to make things 'normal'. I'm guilty of that.

N o
O rder
R eally
M akes
A nything
L eave

Trying to be normal is not what the sick person needs and perhaps wants. In my recent experience this became the hurdle that I would sometimes clear and other times crash over. It was an endless track and as I looked down it the hurdles just kept appearing...into I N F I N I T Y.

One of the aspects of supporting and managing the extended concerns involving a person with mental illness is that very act becomes part of the your identity and process. I wish that was my own revelation but it isn't, I had to read that from some one far more eloquent and aware than I am. I do encourage you to read this long article about man dealing with his mentally ill wife.

In my case, what I had to manage became part of the process of support. As I saw and perceived that process it became more hurdles to jump over. Eventually the challenges would be far different because I didn't know when the hurdles were gone, that I didn't have to jump, L E A P, or climb them. That my role of support was no longer needed, or wanted(?). Then it would be wanted, or maybe not.

This journey was not like the one linked to above- it has not been over years only months. That is the effect of mental illness, it makes time stand elastic, and I'm not the one who is sick. What does that person feel and experience if I can be affected and suffer to unconsciously change my life and approach?

'How can I help" became my internal mantra but externally I had to take a different approach. There were other dynamics and circumstances that required a different level of support as I was left alone in some capacities to press on. The biggest challenge was the 'how' in 'how can I help' because it's a question.

If some one is mentally ill do they understand what that question means? Understand that I am not trying sound obtuse with that question above it's that the questioner probably expects a certain answer relating to 'how' and the person answering may not be able to explain a thing.

HOW is HUGE


In fact it's the crux of what I have experienced-trying to understand how. Believe me when I say 'there is no 'how-to' manual for this'. There are many amazing articles, research papers and personal anecdotes but nothing that can give you a comprehensive 'how'.

ADVICE is plentiful.

OPINIONS are everywhere.

SYMPATHY is overloaded.

OPTIONS are few.

DISCOMFORT reigns.


Wanting to do something and knowing how are two different things. I want to fix my car but I have to learn how. People with mental illness want to feel better, to be regular but they have to learn how to be better. Time and 'healing' don't work like a broken arm or recovery from surgery or treatment for cancer.

I T ' S N O T T H E S A M E F O R E V E R Y O N E

The statement above is for those suffering from mental illness and those who suffer with them. Helpless is not a word that accurately describes the dynamic that exists between those who are sick and those who want to help. It's one of many words and why helping is so difficult.

I have struggled to find balance to between caring, supporting, and helping. The natural inclination is to do all, be all and conquer, but for the sick they may not be able to explain what they need, some may not want to, some may not even know. It's like the classic project management idiom: on time, on spec and according budget but you can only have two of the three. A person who is sick may want care, may ask for help, but has no idea what support means. Or they want support but can't tell you what helps yet ask for care.

T A L K I N G I S O N L Y A S T A R T

It's the most important part and probably why an awareness campaign is based on 'lets talk' but it is only the starting point. More importantly the encouragement to talk, to make that effort to reach out is what the next stage needs. The new ads for 'lets talk' are going there and the resources for those trying to talk need to be part of the awareness.

It's not just the sick who should be talking. Believe me, they may want to, they may REALLY want to but can't so stopping there is wrong, at least as I see it. Unless some one is truly ALONE there is another person who is close, who knows more than the rest, who can help, who can also TALK.

This is the area I have had my greatest struggle with as a person who WANTS to care, support and help. I can do that BEYOND the sick person, as can everyone because there are more people affected. A brother, sister, uncle, parent, wife, BFF, grandparent, and coworker can all be close enough to the sick person to be affected too and also in need of support, care and help.

Helping OTHERS is also helping someone who is sick.

They are not separate, those with IMMEDIATE connection to the mentally ill need help and support too. This has probably been the greatest challenge I faced but one that is in some ways for more complicated and delicate than dealing with the person suffering directly from mental illness. To compound the problem, those closest to the ill may want to talk the least.

TALKING is a good thing because that action alone makes such a difference on so many levels. I used a phrase once when things were not particularly grand and it was "I will not apologize for caring". It was my response to trying to help when that action became confusing and perhaps threatening, I'm not sure if it was but that's how I interpreted reactions and responses at time. This happened all because there was a void and no one was really talking and that was a problem, at least for me.

While so much has been made about talking to help deal with the stigma around MENTAL ILLNESS so little effort has gone into some of the other reasons talking is important. The communication between those who suffer and those trying to support and help, whether direct or indirectly, is paramount to any successful type of support. It seems silly but how can anyone support another person or persons without understanding where and HOW that support should happen.

L E T S T A L K

It is a simple mantra that has very powerful effects way beyond dispelling the stigma and mystery of mental illness. TALKING allows for support and care. Without it people are left to their own conclusions based on observations and experiences. It's a case of stereotyping running wild.

During these last few months I have been in a vacuum of information at times. While needing intimate details is not necessary, the simple and easily conveyed stuff is and when that does not happen...well the results are confusion and usually more pain. BELIEVE me.

Knowing that some one is feeling 'down' or 'off' does more to help anyone trying to help and support than you could imagine. It's simple,not always easy but it does not mean that we need or want a sick person to talk more. It just means we can understand better, be aware and perhaps but not always adjust to the situation. Most importantly that little bit of talking can help prevent those close to the sick doing something, anything, that could make the day worse.

It sounds rather rudimentary but wait until you live it. Hopefully you don't have to. It's not easy hearing 'everything is fine' and clearly seeing that everything is not whether up close and personal or at a distance. That most basic yet unique trait of humans, our ability to communicate, is the best way we can help support our friends and family sick with mental illness. We cannot counsel them, nor can we medicate them but we can do the one thing that makes us different than everything else on earth- TALK.

What I've written is not really a lesson or guide based on experience, it's a plea and an expression of relief all in one attempt. I've learned so much about mental illness in ways I never wanted to these past 7 months because I was left in a vacuum about many simple things that at times I FELT and believed I was to figure out on my own. There was very little communication and that is not anyone's fault. There is NO BLAME here. I can assure you that anyone who enters into a journey with some one suffering from acute mental illness certainly has no road map with them. Just like there is no clear route out of abyss for the sick person.

Things in my situation improved but they had to become very difficult for a time. Part of that is my own fault for trying to direct and move to a place of improved communication, TALKING. Without it nothing was going to improve but if I'm honest I needed something to change. I NEEDED CHANGE because I knew what was happening was unsustainable and when it broke... The only way I could create the change I needed and believed in was to force others to react and act.

Maybe that's not the right way to proceed but it was clear that the silence and stance taken by some was causing more harm. It's a SENSITIVE situation because, well think about it, I was pushing my agenda around mental illness on people who was suffering, acutely. That part was hard, on everyone, and I with others made some parts of our relationships worse for the short term. It was a RISK that I was willing to take.

It, is better now. IT being the overall health of the person suffering and the rest of our immediate connections. What changed was some basic UNDERSTANDING because we got to talking. I began to understand what was being experienced by the sick person and how I was A PART of that experience. Before I had no idea, none, other than speculations run amok in the vacuum.

That little bit of information, of honesty, (being honest here it took some one to show some VULNERABILITY), changed everything. I'm not far from that point right now, where things were at their darkest, at least chronologically. From relationship and general environment perspective it's night and day.

LETS TALK is not a call to say I can be your therapist. It's not a request to fix what ails you. It's not a need to know your deepest issues. What those two words mean is:

I'M HERE

I WANT TO UNDERSTAND

I KNOW

I SUPPORT

I BELIEVE

I WILL LISTEN

There is stigma, there is fear, there are feelings and emotions that those of us who have never suffered from mental illness will never feel. TALKING kills it all, EVENTUALLY and allows for everyone to help, TO support the sick and the affected, particularly the ones most intimately connected who also shoulder the load.

I mentioned that this essay was a plea earlier, but it's also a therapeutic release because so much of this has been bottled up in me for some time. HELPLESS does not begin to describe the range of experiences felt these past months. The difference now is I know how I and others can be HELPFUL and SUPPORTIVE. Hopefully that knowledge and understanding changes everything these next 6 months and beyond. For those suffering there is HOPE. Find some who will give you some, I will whenever you need it.

H ear
O our
P lea
for
E xpression
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