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Tomorrow's CBA Negotiation Session: A Recap |
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I just got off the phone with Theresa Caputo. She was explaining to me what's going to happen tomorrow during the NHL/NHLPA CBA negotiations in New York. Apparently, the fun begins at 10am.
10:05am - The day will begin with Bill Daly asking the NHLPA to present their formal, full, and complete CBA proposal. For those of you keeping track, the NHLPA has made five CBA proposals to the NHL so far during the lockout. Most have been on one piece of paper or less, and none have contained anything more than confused rambling about how money should be split. How Donald and Steve Fehr continue to justify their salaries is a mystery to me.
Anyway, Daly will ask for the NHLPA's offer, and Fehr will present him with scribbling on three sticky notes, a bar napkin, and a roll of toilet paper. The napkin will also contain the name and phone number of a waitress named "Shirley" from the Bronx.
10:10am - After presenting the offer to the NHL, Fehr will proclaim that the NHLPA has made their final, final, final offer, and that the offer does not include funds to split the tab for lunch, or to pay for the room being used for the meeting.
10:15am - Gary Bettman, after receiving the offer, kicks over a table and yells, "what is this? A center for ants?" Daly tells Bettman to eat a banana and to sit back on his box.
10:20am - For some reason, Vincent Lecavalier begins to yell racial slurs at Bettman. When asked post-meeting why he did so, Lecavalier responds that Kris Versteeg is his idol, and that Fehr paid him $5 to do it.
10:35am - Members of the NHL's entourage comes to the realization that the NHLPA offer was actually serious. Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs begins to giggle uncontrollably for 21 straight minutes. The rest of the owners either look more amused than annoyed, but remain silent while waiting for Jacobs to finish.
10:56am - Jacobs blacks out from a lack of oxygen. He's quickly revived by Daly, who seems to be the only person in the room who cares. Daly suggests ownership should discuss the PA's offer in private, and the group leaves the meeting. Jacobs is carried out on a stretcher, as he's unable to walk.
11:10am - A lackey is sent back into the meeting room to ask the NHLPA if Shirley is part of the offer. Donald Fehr declines, stating Shirley is the first woman, ever, to indicate interest in him. Steve interjects that "she was talking to him, not Donald." Both brothers begin to throw punches. The lackey, after breaking up the fight, leaves to tell ownership the bad news.
11:14am - Shawn Horcoff complains to the group that his chair is too soft, that he's too cold, and that he is so worth $5.5mil per season. No one listens.
11:18am - Gary Bettman returns to the room holding one of the sticky notes. He's asking for clarification. "Donald, when you say the NHLPA doesn't give a s**t, what percentage of HRR are we talking about? I mean, does this mean you'll accept a 50/50 split of revenues, or are you trying to say you don't accept a 50/50 split of revenues?" Fehr responds that the sticky notes are self explanatory.
11:25am - Shawn Horcoff indicates that he needs to use the potty "real bad" and that someone needs to bring him soon. Jarome Iginla takes his hand and leads him out of the room. Iginla returns alone ten minutes later, stating Horcs done a no-no, and that he won't be returning for some time.
11:31am - The ownership group return, and Bill Daly stands to address the 347 PA members who decided to attend the meeting. "No," states Daly firmly. After speaking, he and the rest of the ownership group leave the room.
11:43am - Media scrum breaks out in front of the negotiation room. When asked by reporters why the NHL turned down the NHLPA's proposal, Gary Bettman explains the following. "Look, you have to understand that 37% of the league's 18% share of revenues, earned at 2.5% interest over an 18 month term, divided by a 1.6% variable with fixed interest on investment over revenues plus the additional variance of HRR after the IRS takes their share of HST and GST. Under market circumstances like these, owners of NHL teams have lost $700 trillion over the last three seasons. It's just not acceptable anymore. All of this being said, I feel both sides are pretty close and a solution to the CBA situation is only a day or two away. I'm remain confident! Our fans are THE BEST!"
11:55am - Donald Fehr leaves the CBA meeting, but takes time to address the media on the way out. 27 unshaven, filthy hockey players stand behind him while he speaks. "I don't get it!" says the frustrated Fehr. "We have made the NHL the exact same offer six times now. Six times! How many more times do we need to offer the exact same deal before they take it? I'm so frustrated with the league's lack of vision."
12 Noon - Fehr continues: "The NHLPA has promised the league an 18% increase in league revenues to off-set financial loses being experienced by teams. I've made them a promise! When I say revenues will increase by 18%, I mean it! Forget about these little 7% annual increases in revenue. When I say revenues will increase by 18%, it's absolutely going to happen. We should be negotiating around the 18%. Not 5%. Not 7%. It's 18%, and everyone knows it."
12:03pm - Martin St. Louis is escorted from the building by armed security guards after he refers to Daly and Bettman as, "stingy-ass crackers who would steal money out of their kids piggy banks to buy them gifts at Christmas." Somewhere in America, Chris Chelios hears the comment and smiles while stealing an ice cream cone from a small, underprivileged child.
1:00pm - The NHL releases a statement to the media indicating that they've made their final offer, and that negotiations will be discontinued for the next month, unless either side decides otherwise, which may happen . Additionally, the NHL announces the cancellation of the Winter Classic, the Heritage Classic, Classic Coke, and the All-Star Game, which is described in the news release as being, "the most hard fought and eagerly anticipated hockey game of the season."
Edmonton Oilers Blogger • 
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